That’s what I’m going to call Marshawn Lynch from now on - “The Porche”.

Not because he is fast, or because he handles well, and certainly not because he is well put together. No, its because he likes to run over people with his car. I’m sure you’ve heard about it by now - but now Lynch is pleading guilty to some “mystery charge” (my guess is “running over a chick with your car”), so it turns out everything you’ve heard about this incident is true.

Of course, we don’t know what this mystery charge is, so it could range from a misdemeanor “driving while black” charge, to 67 counts of vehicular manslaughter (minus the actual “death” thing). In reality, it seems like Lynch hit a woman lightly while driving (probably while intoxicated) and being a responsible young man, proceeded to drive away from the scene.

Apparently he forgot that there really aren’t that many Porsche Cayennes who have large black guys in dreadlocks driving them in the city of Buffalo.

None the less, I would assume that he gets some kind of plea deal that makes him lose his license and do “community service”.

Now, if he could only make it rain and punch a hooker in the face, he might get traded to the Cowboys.