You hear it all the time: “Player X needs to put on 10-15 pounds of MUSCLE in order to hold up at the NFL level.” “He’s too small to withstand the punishment.” “He’s going to need to add muscle to absorb punishment or his career will be over the very first time he goes over the middle!”

People make these statements and everyone around them is seemingly unaware of how asinine they really are.

Everyone but me. I maintain that putting on weight and/or muscle doesn’t help prevent injuries in the slightest. In fact, it is just the opposite. The more muscle and/or weight you have, the more strain you are putting on joints, ligaments, and tendons (where most injuries occur). It works the same way for bones, too.
But then, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe if you put on muscle mass you’ll be able to “hold up” and “prevent injuries.”

Let’s go down the list:

Concussions: These are caused by getting hit on the head. So the solution? I know! SKULL MUSCLE! Then that extra muscle around your skull can ABSORB PUNISHMENT to prevent concussions!

Neck/spinal injuries: These are caused by either falling on your head or impact to your head, causing stress on your vertebrae. So the solution? Why, fabulous NECK MUSCLES of course! Should you fall on your head, your NECK MUSCLES shall lift the entirety of the rest of your body off your head, minimizing impact and PREVENTING INJURY. Yes. Oh, and should you lead with your head in trying to tackle someone and run head-first into another player, your powerful neck muscles will keep your head going forward so that you can drive through and finish the tackle. Somebody should’ve told Kevin Everett to put on 10-15 pounds of MUSCLE…because clearly, his neck muscles just weren’t strong enough!

Back injuries/back spasms: Usually caused by putting strain on the back in some way. Could be from sleeping wrong, could be from having a defensive player drag you down awkwardly. However, if you put on MUSCLE, you will never have to worry about back spasms again! When that opposing player goes to take you down, you will flex the muscles in your back and, since they are so strong, you will transfer that strength to your lower body so that you can carry them.

Torn muscles (pectoral, abdominal, anything): Usually happens during workouts. But if you have LOTS OF MUSCLE, then you can go into the weight room and NEVER TEAR MUSCLES. After all, it’s usually the skinny people who tear muscles, not the muscular guys or anything!!! Terrell Owens has a permanent abdominal/groin injury…I guess he didn’t/doesn’t do enough ab work!

Terrell Owens should've worked harder on his abs

Broken ribs: OK…now this one might be plausible. On the rare occasions in which someone actually hits you in a spot that isn’t protected by pads, yeah, that could hurt. But is muscle really going to be the difference between breaking a rib/ribs and NOT breaking it/them? Exactly how much protection does it offer? You go ahead and worry about putting wearing a winter jacket when you head into the ghetto…I’ll stand back and watch you get shot and still die.

Separated shoulder/broken collar bone: These are usually caused by falling on the shoulder. Put some muscle on it and magically, the force of being ferociously driven into the ground will be diminished and you will pop up like nothing happened!

Other breaks–arms, legs, ankles, hands, feet: Usually when you break a limb, it’s from falling awkwardly and getting the end of that limb (hand or foot) caught in ground. Ankle injuries are pretty much exclusively from that. Hand and finger breaks are usually from hitting your head on something–but there is ONE way to prevent that. HAND MUSCLES. Just put on some hand muscle and you will never have to worry about breaking the bones in your hands again! As for the feet…yeah, I know, they support the weight of your body…BUT, what better way to protect them than to do lots of foot exercises to put on tons of MUSCLE in your FOOT? Get it caught in the ground while a defensive player is dragging you down violently? Not a problem; your FOOT MUSCLES shall prevent you from EVERY GOING DOWN. That’s right–put on muscle and you never have to worry about getting dragged down again. Every single time you touch the ball, you will score a touchdown.

Torn ACL–Same as breaks. However, if you put on 10-15 pounds of KNEE MUSCLE, your ACL will be so super-strong that you can have a guy roll up into your leg while your cleat is stuck in the ground that it will hold together and repel that 200+ pound player!

Hamstrings–You usually strain your hamstrings while running. So how do you prevent it? By putting on MUSCLE, of course.

I know I’m leaving out a few other injuries, but I think you get the point. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go attempt to put on 10-15 pounds of MUSCLE to prevent finger injuries.